Life

November 16, 1998

I sit alone in a world full of friends and wonder why I can’t stop eating. How can I get my life back on track. There are relationships to be figured out and bills that have to be paid. Why can’t I leave this room and run through the night to wake up in the arms of the loved one. I know that I’m okay, that people like me and that there is no reason for doubt. Yet, I sit here, wallowing in the idea that there isn’t anyone to call and no one to talk to and no one to hold me as I fall asleep in a bed too large for just one. But is this really the problem? Or, is it that I really never fit in? I sit and listen to others, I hear their problems and console them in their time of need, but does anyone hear me? Does anyone care that I’m lost, without direction? Does anyone think to call me just to make sure that I’m okay? Is this my fault? Do I not let people in? Why is it that I can’t express my needs, wants and desires? Do I focus my life so entirely on others that I do not take care of me, that I am incapable of seeing myself as others might see me? Is there no one that sees inside me? Sees the real me struggling within or do I lie so well that no one makes the effort to find out what’s really going on. Once, there was a person who saw, but they lost their spy glass somewhere along the way and now I am alone. Maybe the person I’m looking for is me. Do you know where I am? If you find me, please leave a message. I would love to hear from you, maybe you’ve got the answer.

December 12, 1998

Hope. Why won’t it die? No matter how many times I’ve been disappointed, left alone, rejected, my heart won’t give up. It forever searches, desires, wants and needs. I want to give up. I want to learn to be happy with me, alone. I don’t want to be forever looking, wanting, needing. I don’t want to get excited, feel the rush, be giddy with anticipation. Just maybe, this time things will be different. This has happened too many times. Instincts tell us to mate. It is in our blood, in our bones. Perpetuate the species. It is our goal, it is our focus. It sucks.

Hope. It keeps me moving forward from one day tot he next. It motivates and propels. It is eternal. Someday peace will come and hope will no longer dictate my life. From where that peace will come, I do not know. Someday, I will know joy, happiness, love. I will be complete, fulfilled, whole. That time will come, hope tells me so. The depression will end. I will go on.

January 1999

The snow covers the world like a fresh coat of paint over a dull and dinghy wall. It makes the world shine bright and pure for those with a mind to see it. My view has been tinted, darkened. I see no roses, no beauty. I find myself lost in my own thoughts, my thoughts of despair. I sleep as I have slept for many years, hiding form the world that shows me no kindness. Yet, these are only the ramblings of depression. The voice of despair does not always dominate and there have been happy days and there will once more be joy. And it is these days of sadness that make the others seem so bright and full of life. It is those days that shape my life, not these. I shall close my eyes now and wake up on a brighter morning. Today will be nothing but a shadow, the dark spot making the sun shine brighter.

February 1999

I have created the world in which I live. Every thought, every moment, every meaning is my own. The world is slanted through my eyes, distorted by my reality. Every action is defined by what I perceive to be the truth. I define my boundaries and my limitations. I am the one that controls my destiny. The world is under my control. I control whether I am happy or sad. I decide whether someone is sincere or lying. I decide all things in my life, whether I realize it or not. My life is under my control.

Why is it then, that I allow other people to force their realities on me? Why can I not see that the world they live in is not mine? Their perceptions are different from mine and that different does not mean better. My eyes see, yet, I do not trust what they have shown me. I lack the confidence to believe that I could be right, that I could be seeing myself in a way that is true. I allow other people to force their insecurities onto me. By accepting them, I gain those insecurities as my own.

I should listen to my voice. It tells me everything I need to know. It will lead me through my world, guiding me through murky waters and fragile places. It is the light, the moon and the stars that guide my way. My voice does not lie, judge or criticize. It tells the truth and knows all. It has been with me my entire life, sometimes calling louder than others, but, always there. If I listen, it will tell me what I need to know.

April 21, 1999

Twisting, turning

Pushing, pulling

Total loss of control.

Needs, wants

Urges Desires

No outlet, just me.

Too many people

Too many directions

No where to hide the inner turmoil

Ready to explode.

No time

No peace

No life

Just demands.

Need time

Need space

Need to be me

No one else

Just me.

Head aches

Body hurts

Just want to cry

Need to break free

Need to take time

Need to get away.

Life gets so complicated so quickly.

Need simplicity.

I want out.

July 06, 1999

Content

Fulfilled

A feeling of being in tune with the world.

Harmony

Melody

The song plays on with me humming the tune.

Peace

Joy

I know my own destiny and can’t wait to live it

Knowing that everything is going to be okay.

Unrequited Love

June 20, 1998

I walk through the sand on along deserted beach, not knowing what to expect. Will the sun rise in a glowing, glorious flame, burning up the sky and heating up the sand until it is unbearable hot? Or, will the clouds roll in blocking the sun completely, separating me form its warmth and comfort, leaving me to walk alone in the coldness. Or, will the sun rise slow and steady, burning off the mist one drop at a time until the sky is a sea of blue and the sand has the warmth of an old friend, inviting you to stay. The rising of a flame is energetic and brilliant but it burns quickly and leaves the world too hot to live in. The clouds that block the light leave us cold and wanting but when the sun shines again, we truly appreciate its warmth. It is the days when the fog lifts and the sun shines warm and strong that we know life is full of love and joy and that we are truly lucky to be where we are.

July 1998

Sitting alone, at the edge of the world, I sense his eyes upon me; peering deep within my being, striking that oh so familiar chord that keeps me coming back; searching, craving for more. Yet I am alone, surrounded by people in a crowded room. I long for someone to see me. I’ve never felt so alone, lost and confused. My instincts tell me one thing, your actions another. Are you afraid? I do not know. You speak so many words, but say nothing. I feel you should be with me, but I stand alone stranded in the middle of a ballroom, watching the disco ball turn around me sending glimmers of light to all corners of the room, leaving me in a pool of darkness. I slowly sink into a pit of sand with no light to guide my way. The deeper I sink, the more I need your hand to either pull me into your arms or to wave goodbye, setting me free forever. The more familiar the cool dark sand becomes, the more I strive to separate myself from that which surrounds me. Will the struggle ever end? Is the closing scene of this 1920’s melodrama worth waiting to see? Is the ecstasy worth the agony? Only you can say. Should I push you for answers? Do I play my hand or fold and let the dealer decide my fate? The game has too many unspoken rules and as we push our small plastic cars around the board, the rules constantly change around us while we ourselves evolve; forever changing and adapting until finally, we no longer recognize ourselves or those around us. But, the dance continues and we all change partners until the music stops and one person is left standing at the edge of the world feeling his eyes burn a hole through her inner peace.

August 18, 1998

Alone

Sitting in a dark room

I cry

Weeping for forgotten moments

And for time misspent

For passion lost

And games not played

Regret

It eats away my soul

Leaving me empty

Hungry

Longing for misplaced love

Left drowning

In a sea of passion

Swept away

Lost.

Healing

April 1997

To feel the pain a heart must feel when it has forgotten how to live; Beating in a soul that has fought so hard, struggled long and knows not how to try. To know the pain that soul must feel when it realizes life goes on. To see the dreams the dreamer dreams of days that have gone by.

I’ve been the heart. I’ve felt the soul. I’ve seen the dreams go by. I know the sorrows felt in living day to day, no thoughts ahead, all thoughts they fall behind.

The love that was lost was true and pure, the lovers truly dreamt, that love was strong and full and deep, a love that never ends.

It was never meant to be, their minds can tell them this and yet their hearts still beat and cry and break. Their sorrow overwhelms.

Those that hear their tale of love, they take a piece of pain; until the heart is light again the tale it will be told. For to heal a broken heart, time and friendship is the only cure.

October 1997

I know that I am not beautiful. I’ve known that for a long time. I know that I’m not ugly. I have no noticeable defect to either my physical being or my persona. I belong somewhere in the masses of the mediocre. I know that and try to accept that, but what is it about the human condition that pushes us to strive for that which we cannot attain. My unattainable is not that unthinkable. It is not so bizarre that I should be shunned in public or ridiculed by thousands. My goal is this: To be beautiful to one person, one special person. To find a person who will look at me and not see mediocrity. To find that one special person who will see wonderful things in me that I have never seen before. However, a goal like this is incomplete unless, in that special person, I see something wonderful. I must be to that person what they are to me. And that, that is the tragedy of love.

April 1998

To All My Friends at a Time of Change

I sat alone in the dark, and thought of times gone past

And wondered how, while in the dark, to make these moments last.

The time we spent, the joy we shared, the love will last forever

For in my heart, my soul and mind, we will always be together.

My thoughts they overwhelm me, they play upon my soul

The things that happen round me, they are out of my control.

You’ve made me who I am today, the person here before you

I take you with me, everyone. In essence, I adore you.

I sit alone, in the dark, and think of future days

And wonder how, while in the dark, the light will clear the haze.

They say that out of endings, new beginnings will arise

I know you’ll be there for me, I can see it in your eyes.

My thoughts they overwhelm me, I don’t know how to say goodbye

I never want our paths to part, together we will cry.

You’ve made me who I am today, I leave now on my own

I take you with me, everyone, I know I’m not alone

Sean

October 19, 1995

The leaves drifting, floating to the ground.

There is no hurry or expectation just falling, falling through

the millennia to where it all began.

Deep, deep within the earth, the secret is hidden, hidden

within the pages that had never been opened.

The pages that were within the book, the book that was

blank, devoid of any meaning, empty, just air.

Air that was rising, rising up with the expectation of

something greater.

The expectation builds, builds into the wind, the wind

blowing, blowing the leaves, disturbing their silence;

they fall, drifting back, back to where it all began.

October 20, 1995

The poem stands between us like a wall.

Like an unseen barrier separating souls.

It stands symbolic, like a sentinel preventing what is about to happen.

It protects us and keeps us from harm, yet, at the same time it retards us, keeping us from exploring the unknown, the unthought of.

We’re afraid, and yet our curiosity pushed us further until we’ve gone too far to ever turn back.

We are lost, you and I, between worlds, between souls.

The unknown looms before us, waiting to be discovered.

October 21, 1995

You play me like a song, like a song that has never been heard before, sitting deep within my soul. It plays over and over again, yet, no one has heard. You can feel it within me and strive to reveal it. With it, you reveal my soul.

Slowly, one note at a time, you discover the melody. You caress each note until it evolves into music.

Below the melody, the undertones emerge. Growing slowly, they carry the music like a current, raising it higher and higher. It becomes so primitive and simple that it is almost painful to hear. It beats on the soul like a drum.

The rhythm, once so strong and overwhelming, is altered. The soul has been cleansed, it is peaceful, I am alive. The melody still plays. It courses through my veins like the blood which sustains me, but is has been played. Played aloud by hands that will always treasure it and by a soul, which beats so true to my own, that our harmonies shall forever be entwined.

November 09, 1995

Love, like an ocean cleanses the soul of thoughts of pain and fear.

The struggle and turmoil are washed away with the single drop of a tear.

In your eyes, I find peace, tranquility and joy.

My spirit soars in exaltation, my body caught in rapture, thriving in the undertow of your love.

The mere presence of your body beside me ignites each nerve electric. Each touch a bolt of lightning, striking, crashing through the waves of your love.

Every thought, word and spoken verse caressing and guiding; I slowly find the current that leads me to your heart.

The gentle breeze that carries that tale of your love tells a story so close to my own.

Love, like an ocean, clears the mind of inhibitions and self -consciousness. It opens the door to understanding, compassion and the vastness of our lives.

Early 1996

My soul aches, my heart cries

My body trembles with fear

The unknown is close

I’m afraid the end is near.

The flowers bloom so white and pure

A symbol of our love

A soaring spirit flying high

Gliding through the sky above.

The dream began not long ago

So strong and pure and real

The poems we wrote, the love we felt

Forever I will feel.

September 20, 1996

I read the poems, the lines and verse that flowed from me so freely.

The love and joy and passion felt that wrote itself so clearly.

I know that passion stills exists, it plagues my heart and soul;

For now we are so far apart, it plays a different role.

It takes my strength to carry on, without you I am lost.

To hear your voice, to feel your touch, it melts away the frost;

That closes in and steals my heart and leaves me numb and cold.

The thoughts of you that plague my brain, they close in and are so bold.

To be with you, yet once again, for time forever lasting

Would be a dream, I dare not dream, a spell without a casting.

And so I live from day to day, with thoughts of you forever.

The passion felt so strong and clear, I know we’ll be together.

Someday we will be one again, our love will flow so freely

The poems and lines and feeling felt will once more flow so freely.

Until that day, I can be strong, my strength it will prevail

Just know my love, I love you still with hope I cannot veil.

I am yours and you are mine, together we are one.

And though we may be far apart, our love is like the sun.

It burns so bright, so warm and strong, its rays are ever warming.

Just like our love, the passion felt, the sun survives the storming.

And so my love, our sun burns bright and I know I can depend

That our love, just like this poem, will never ever end.